A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Jake asks her: "What are you up to?"

Alice smiles: "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.

Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos, Texas.

Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her:

"If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot".

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant much less a deer.

Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming: "Get the hell away from my deer!"

Confused and frightened Jake races faster towards his screaming wife.

And again he hears her yell: "Get the hell away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air.

The cowboy, obviously distraught, says: "Okay, lady! You can have your damn deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!"

Some Dinosaur Jokes for the Kids

Q: What's the best way to call a Tyrannosaurus Rex?

A: Long distance!

Q: What does a Triceratops sit on?

A: It's Tricera-bottom!

Q: What dinosaur would you find in a rodeo?

A: Bronco-saurus!

Q: What dinosaur can't stay out in the rain?

A: Stegosaur-rust!

Q: What dinosaur loves pancakes?

A: A tri-syrup-tops.

Q: Why couldn't the long-necked dinosaur see?

A: Because it had its head in the clouds!

Little-Known Chocolate Tidbits...

If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

Problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. Solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate is a balanced diet.

The preservatives in chocolate make you look younger.

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?

A. Because no one wants to quit.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of chocolate can make someone gain 5 lbs.

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One old love she can imagine going back to and one who reminds her how far she has come.

Enough money within her control to move out and rent a place on her own, even if she never wants or needs to.

Something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour.

A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella she's not ashamed to be seen carrying.

A youth she's content to move beyond.

A past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age.

The realization that she is actually going to have an old age and some money set aside to help fund it.

A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.

One friend who always makes her laugh and one who lets her cry.

A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family.

Eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored.

A feeling of control over her destiny.

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How to fall in love without losing herself.

How she feels about having kids.

How to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.

When to try harder and when to walk away.

How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what she would and wouldn't like to happen next.

How to have a good time at a party she'd never choose to attend.

How to ask for what she wants in a way that makes it most likely she'll get it.

That she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.

That her childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.

What she would and wouldn't do for love or more.

How to live alone, even if she doesn't like it.

Whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally.

Where to go - be it her best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn hidden in the woods when her soul needs soothing.

What she can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, and a year.

Why they say life begins at 30.

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* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station. Can atheists get insurance for acts of God? If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP? Does fuzzy logic tickle? * If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery? I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. How come you never hear about gruntled employees? I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem. * If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is a fog horn made out of? If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"? Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? * I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? * What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? What WAS the best thing before sliced bread? * If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? * Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers? Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? * Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?Whatever happened to Absorbine Senior?

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In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression..... In America we call it golf.

Five-year-old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by. She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home because he was performing an appendectomy. "My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?" "Sure do! Fifteen-hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. "I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket." Amazed, the driver asked for what. The trooper replied, ... "Tacks evasion."

A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin. "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight ?" The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight."

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An elected official is one who gets 51 % of the vote cast by 40 % of the 60 % of the voters who registered.

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Real or Really Real?

New Medical Leave & Related Policies

SICKNESS:

OPERATIONS:

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all that you have. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you as you are. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

DEATH OF OTHERS:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.

RESTROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. This exchange must be approved by both employee's supervisors.

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The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

Gross pay - $1222.02

Income Tax - 244.40

Outcome Tax - 45.21

State Tax - 11.61

Interstate Tax- 61.10

County Tax - 6.11

City Tax - 12.22

Rural Tax - 4.44

Back Tax - 1.11

Front Tax - 1.16

Side Tax - 1.61

Up Tax - 2.22

Down Tax - 1.11

Tic-Tacs - 1.98

Thumbtacks - 3.93

Carpet Tacks - 0.98

Stadium Tax - 0.69

Flat Tax - 8.32

Surtax - 3.46

Ma'am Tax - 2.60

Parking Fee - 5.00

No Pkg Fine - 10.00

F.I.C.A. - 81.88 T.G.I.F.

Fund - 9.95

Life Ins. - 5.85

Health Ins. - 16.23

Disability - 2.50

Ability - 0.25

Liability Ins. - 3.41

Dental Ins. - 4.50

Mental Ins. - 4.33

Reassurance 0.11

Coffee - 6.85

Coffee Cups - 66.51

Calendar - 3.06

Floor Rental - 16.85

Chair Rental - .32

Desk Rental - 4.32

Union Dues - 5.85

Union Don'ts - 3.77

Cash Advances - 0.69

Cash Retreats - 121.35

Overtime - 1.26

Undertime - 54.83

Eastern Time - 9.00

Central Time - 8.00

Mnt Time - 7.00

Pacific Time - 6.00

Bath Time - 4.44

Time Out - 12.21

Oxyen - 10.02

Water - 16.54

Heat - 51.42

Air - 46.83

Misc - 144.38

Take Home Pay: $0000.02

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Some Of The Worst News Headlines

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

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There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience, or none at all.

--New York Journal-American

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A weary mother returned from the store, Lugging groceries through the kitchen door. Awaiting her arrival was her 8 year old son, Anxious to relate what his younger brother had done.

"While I was out playing and Dad was on a call, T.J. took his crayons and wrote on the wall! It's on the new paper you just hung in the den. I told him you'd be mad at having to do it again."

She let out a moan and furrowed her brow, "Where is your little brother right now?" She emptied her arms and with a purposeful stride, She marched to his closet where he had gone to hide.

She called his full name as she entered his room. He trembled with fear--he knew that meant doom! For the next ten minutes, she ranted and raved About the expensive wallpaper and how she had saved.

Lamenting all the work it would take to repair, She condemned his actions and total lack of care. The more she scolded, the madder she got, Then stomped from his room, totally distraught!

She headed for the den to confirm her fears. When she saw the wall, her eyes flooded with tears. The message she read pierced her soul with a dart. It said, "I love Mommy," surrounded by a heart.

Well, the wallpaper remained, just as she found it, With an empty picture frame hung to surround it. A reminder to her, and indeed to all, Take time to read the handwriting on the wall.

Author Unknown

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In the window of a skin-diving equipment store:

"We carry a complete line of under ware"

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**DAD'S ADVICE

1. There is no such thing as childproofing your house.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a Superman cape.

5. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20' room.

6. Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

7. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up several times before you get a hit.

8. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

9. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long ways.

10. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

11. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh- oh", it is already too late.

12. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke-------- --lots of it.

13. A 6 year-old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 60-year old man says it can only be done in the movies.

14. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

15. If you use a waterbed as a home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak. It explodes.

16. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. ft house almost 4 inches deep.

17. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old.

18. Duplos will not.

19. Play-Doh and microwave ovens should never be used in the same sentence.

20. Super Glue is forever.

21. MacGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

22. So can Tarzan.

23. No matter how much Jell-O you put in the pool, you still can't walk on water.

24. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

25. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.

26. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

27. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

28. You probably don't want to know what that odor is.

29. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

30. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

31. The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5-minute response.

32. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

33. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

34. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

35. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life.

(....unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)

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IF I COULD CATCH A RAINBOW

I WOULD DO IT JUST FOR YOU

AND SHARE WITH YOU ITS BEAUTY

ON THE DAYS YOU'RE FEELING BLUE

IF I COULD BUILD A MOUNTAIN

YOU COULD CALL YOUR VERY OWN

A PLACE TO FIND SERENITY

A PLACE TO BE ALONE

IF I COULD TAKE YOUR TROUBLES

I WOULD TOSS THEM IN THE SEA

BUT ALL THESE THINGS I'M FINDING

ARE IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME

I CANNOT BUILD A MOUNTAIN

OR CATCH A RAINBOW FAIR

BUT LET ME BE WHAT I KNOW BEST

A FRIEND THAT'S ALWAYS THERE.

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An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

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A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes, I have a phone."

The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."

The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower for that?"

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Q. What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.

Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories – those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away!

Q. What are pre-existing conditions?

A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?

A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?

A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?

A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?

A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

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The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing just one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray painted very, very high

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

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A woman knocked on the Pearly Gates, Her face was scarred and old. She trembled and she shook with fear, She was just about to fold.

"What have you done?" St. Peter asked, "...to gain admission here?"

"I've been a loyal AOL user, sir, for many, many years."

The Pearly Gate swung open wide. St. Peter rang the bell.

"Come in and choose your harp," he said, "you've had your share of hell."