Date: Mon, 27 Sep 1999 20:02:13 -0500

When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.

Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.

While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.

Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.

Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.

You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.

You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.

The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians.

When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.

Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.

The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.

Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.

Date: Thu, 30 Sep 1999 08:41:52 -0500

The genie said to the man, "I will grant you one wish." The guy said, "I thought I got 3 wishes?" But the genie said, "No. One, take it or leave it!" The guy said, "I'LL TAKE IT, I'LL TAKE IT!!"

So the guy thinks hard and says, "I am afraid of flying so I want you to build me a Freeway from my house to Hawaii." The genie says, "Are you nuts!!!"

So the guy thinks hard again and says, "Ok -- Ok." He finally come up with a wish for the genie. The guy says, "I want to learn all about women. How they think? How come they keep dumping me? And how I can make them love me so I can keep them?"

So the genie thinks and thinks and thinks and finally the genie says to the man.....

"Did you want that freeway with 2 lanes or 4???"

___________________________________________________________

"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children."

--Clarence Darrow

Date: Sun, 26 Sep 1999 05:53:16 -0500

INTERVIEWER: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base"?

GENERAL REINWALD: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting".

INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it."?

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range".

INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children"?

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, . we will be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they even touch a firearm".

INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers".

GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you"?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Date: Sun, 26 Sep 1999 19:27:10 -0500

I would gain control of the most powerful nation in the world;

I would delude their minds into thinking that they had come from man's effort, instead of God's blessings;

I would promote an attitude of loving things and using people.

I would dupe entire states into relying on gambling for their state revenue;

I would convince people that character is not an issue when it comes to leadership;

I would make it legal to take the life of unborn babies;

I would make it socially acceptable to take one's own life, and invent machines to make it convenient;

I would cheapen human life as much as possible so that the life of animals are valued more that human beings;

I would take God out of the schools, where even the mention of His Name was grounds for a law suit;

I would come up with drugs that sedate the mind and target the young, and I would get sports heroes to advertise them;

I would get control of the media, so that every night I could pollute the mind of every family member for my agenda;

I would attack the family, the backbone of any nation.

I would make divorce acceptable and easy, even fashionable. If the family crumbles, so does the nation;

I would compel people to express their most depraved fantasies on canvas and movie screens, and I would call it art;

I would convince the world that people are born homosexuals, and that their lifestyles should be accepted and marveled at;

I would convince the people that right and wrong are determined by a few who call themselves authorities and refer to their agenda as politically correct;

I would persuade people that the church is irrelevant and out of date, and the Bible is for the naive;

I would dull the minds of Christians, and make them believe that prayer is not important, and that faithfulness and obedience are optional;

I guess I would leave things pretty much the way they are."

Date: Thu, 30 Sep 1999 08:40:10 -0500

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear,"

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting Together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

Date: Wed, 29 Sep 1999 07:22:01 -0500

On the first day of AOL those idiots gave to me.....

A jeRk cursing in a chat room.

On the second day of AOL those idiots gave to me.....

2 pieces of junk mail

and a jeRk cursing in a chat room.

On the third day of AOL those idiots gave to me.....

3 error messages

2 pieces of junk mail

and a jeRk cursing in a chat room.

On the fourth day of AOL those idiots gave to me.....

4 idiots at tech help

3 error messages

2 pieces of junk mail

and a jeRk cursing in a chat room.

On the fifth day of AOL those idiots gave to me.....

Fi-i-ive we-e-e-eb crashes!

4 idiots at tech help

3 error messages

2 pieces of junk mail

and a jeRk cursing in a chat room.

On the sixth day of AOL those idiots gave to me.....

6 disconnections

Fi-i-ive we-e-e-eb crashes!

4 idiots at tech help

3 error messages

2 pieces of junk mail

and a jeRk cursing in a chat room.

On the seventh day of AOL those idiots gave to me.....

7 frozen IMs

6 disconnections

Fi-i-ive we-e-e-eb crashes!

4 idiots at tech help

3 error messages

2 pieces of junk mail

and a jeRk cursing in a chat room.

On the eight day of AOL those idiots gave to me.....

8 hours of busy signals

7 frozen IMs

6 disconnections

Fi-i-ive we-e-e-eb crashes!

4 idiots at tech help

3 error messages

2 pieces of junk mail

and a jeRk cursing in a chat room.

On the ninth day of AOL those idiots gave to me.....

9 frozen chat rooms

8 hours of busy signals

7 frozen IMs

6 disconnections

Fi-i-ive we-e-e-eb crashes!

4 idiots at tech help

3 error messages

2 pieces of junk mail

and a jeRk cursing in a chat room.

On the tenth day of AOL those idiots gave to me.....

10 hours without mail

9 frozen chat rooms

8 hours of busy signals

7 frozen IMs

6 disconnections

Fi-i-ive we-e-e-eb crashes!

4 idiots at tech help

3 error messages

2 pieces of junk mail

and a jeRk cursing in a chat room.

On the eleventh day of AOL those idiots gave to me.....

11 channels not working

10 hours without mail

9 frozen chat rooms

8 hours of busy signals

7 frozen IMs

6 disconnections

Fi-i-ive we-e-e-eb crashes!

4 idiots at tech help

3 error messages

2 pieces of junk mail

and a jeRk cursing in a chat room.

On the twelfth day of AOL those idiots gave to me.....

12 reasons to cancel

11 channels not working

10 hours without mail

9 frozen chat rooms

8 hours of busy signals

7 frozen IMs

6 disconnections

Fi-i-ive we-e-e-eb crashes!

4 idiots at tech help

3 error messages

2 pieces of junk mail

and a jeRk cursing in a chat room!!

------------ The English Language-----------------

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. And while no one knows what is in a hotdog, you can be pretty sure it isn't canine.

English muffins were not invented in England nor French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, two meese? Is cheese the plural of choose? One mouse, 2 mice. One louse, 2 lice. One house, 2 hice?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?

Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

How can the weather be hot as heck one day and cold as heck another?

When a house burns up, it burns down.

You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

You get in and out of a car, yet you get on and off a bus.

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?

English is a silly language ... it doesn't know if it is coming or going!!!

___________________________________________________________

"FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."

Date: Sun, 26 Sep 1999 05:56:16 -0500

Back to School Science You Won't Believe.

The following are actual submissions on a series of quizzes, tests and essays. Enjoy.

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."

"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"The body consists of three parts -- the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five -- a, e, i, o and u."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects."

Date: Mon, 27 Sep 1999 13:42:16 -0500

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old guy dig. I had him buried upside down."

___________________________________________________________

* On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Date: Tue, 28 Sep 1999 07:16:46 -0500

The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank-you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."

Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?"

"Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."

Date: Sat, 25 Sep 1999 15:35:01 -0500

They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought practical gifts