Words Of Wisdom /Jokes To Cheer You!

Date: Fri, 24 Sep 1999 03:42:26 -0500

***Words of Wisdom***

* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

* I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

* Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

* Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

* There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

* Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.

* Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

* I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.

* My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

* I am having an out of money experience.

* I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

* Not afraid of heights-afraid of widths.

* I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

* Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

* The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

* The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the

bread.

* The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to

reach it.

***Play On Words***

* Hangover: The wrath of grapes.

* Income Tax: Capital punishment.

* A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.

* To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.

* A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and the police didn't have anything to go on.

* Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.

* Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard tines?

* Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.

* Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.

* Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?

* Once I got angry at an Italian restaurant, so I gave them a pizza my mind.

* The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no longer type. Her doctor said, "This is a clear case of 'Carp in tunnel' syndrome."

* California smog test: Can UCLA?

* Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel? A: Dis-gruntled.

* A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

* I know this guy who works at Sea World; but I don't think it's on porpoise...

* For as long as I can remember, I've had amnesia....

* Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug? She had her baby in the spring.

* What do you call three rabbits in a row, hopping backwards

simultaneously? A receding hareline.

* Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into the meatgrinder? He got a little behind in his work.

* 'Tis better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.

* I do hope you are having a good day "Little Flower"

* ((*~*)) Ruby & Bart