A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box. He opens the door, sits down and says nothing. The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts. Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

"What are you doing?" his mother asked.

"You can't eat them if the seal is broken" the boy explained, "I'm looking for the seal."

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.

At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle.

"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example...

Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream – then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute.

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued,

"May I ask what the chicken did?"

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?

He sold his soul to Santa.

Hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?

He's all right now.

How do crazy people go through the forest?

They take the psycho path.

How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?

She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?

"Dam".

What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?

National Dyslexics Association.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho Cheese.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?

Sanka.

. . . and what kind of lettuce?

Iceberg.

The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a no legged dog?

Right where you left him.

Not too long ago a scientist tried to clone himself. However, his clone was very obnoxious and lewd, while the scientist was well received and respected.

Finally fed up with his experiment gone wrong, he threw his clone off the roof of the laboratory; killing the clone.

He was arrested by the local police for... making an obscene clone fall.

At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself."

The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God.

Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"

God says, "Ah, yes."

"Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front end protrusion

2. It chatters at high speeds

3. The rear end wobbles too much, and

4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out slip of paper and God reads it.

"It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur Davidson, "but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours."

I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots.

They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically and suggesting I take a closer look.

Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror --- wearing nothing but a camera!

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close our eyes and taste these."

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint but, when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time."

Instantly one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out, they're assholes!"

Yes, you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is?

Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help.

We're a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counseling through weekly meetings designed to help you cope with your problem.

We feature a twelve step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never "cured," you most certainly can recover.

We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Do you:

1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?

2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?

3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?

4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?

5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope you'll receive a reply one day from a company you'll never do business with anyway?

6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?

7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?

8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you'd usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?

9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?

10) All of the above?

If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at: 1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORPETE'SSAKE.

We're here, we're free, and we're confidential. The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem.

Call us today.

If you can power off to free up your phone line,that is.

Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all others including Love.

One day it was announced to the feelings, that the island would sink, so all prepared their boats and left the island. Love was the only one who stayed behind. You see, Love wanted to wait until the last possible moment before leaving.

The island was almost sunk, and Love decided to ask for help. Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said, "Richness, can you take me with you?" Richness answered, "No, I can’t. There is a lot of gold and silver in by boat. There is no place for you." Love decided to ask Vanity, who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel, "Vanity, please help me!" "I can’t help you Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat, Vanity answered." Sadness was close by so Love asked for help, "Sadness, let me go with you." "Oh...Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!" Happiness passed by Love too; Happiness did not hear the cry for help; for Happiness was so happy.

Suddenly there was a voice, "Come Love, I will take you." It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that Love forgot to ask the elder’s name. When they arrived at dry land, the elder went on its way.

Love, realizing how much it owed the elder, asked Knowledge, another elder, "Who helped me?" "It was Time," Knowledge answered. "Time?", asked Love, "But why did Time help me?" Knowledge smiled with deep Wisdom and answered, "Because only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is."

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an extra thousand for the story behind it." "At that price, you can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the bronze rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm.

As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but

every time he passes another sewer, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars... following him. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a lamp post, grasping it with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay as far as he can throw it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah sir, you've come back for the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer."

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers;

Wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints;

We spend more, but have less;

We buy more, but enjoy it less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families;

More conveniences, but less time;

We have more degrees, but less sense;

More knowledge, but less judgment;

More experts, but more problems;

More medicine, but less wellness.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life;

we've added years to life, not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back,

But have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.

We've conquered outer space, but not inner space;

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul;

We've split the atom, but not our prejudice.

We have higher incomes, but lower morals;

We've become long on quantity, but short on quality.

These are the times of tall men, and short character;

Steep profits, and shallow relationships.

These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare;

More leisure, but less fun;

More kinds of food, but less nutrition.

These are days of two incomes, but more divorce;

Of fancier houses, but broken homes.

It is a time when there is much in the show window

And nothing in the stockroom;

A time when technology can bring this letter to you,

And a time when you can choose either to make a difference,

Or to just hit delete!

An Illinois man who left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband

PS. Sure is hot down here. :-)

The doctor noted with astonishment a tattoo of a bluebird on the shoulder of his 70 year old patient, who was in his office for her annual check up.

She told him that she had wanted one her whole life, so she and her 16 yr old grandson decided that they would birthday tattoos together. As her doctor, I inquired why she had not got one sooner.

Until now, she replied, " I was afraid of what my mother would say!!!"

A button for a coat of paint.

Sheets for an oyster bed.

False teeth for a river's mouth.

Music for a rubber band.

Shoes for a walking stick.

A saddle for a clothes horse!

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.

In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?"

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, " I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married."

The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!"

The woman says, "GOOD ....get your own darn blanket!!!"

A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this." He proceeded to crumple the dollar bill up.

He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air. "Well," he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now all crumpled and dirty. "Now who still wants it?"

Still the hands went into the air. "My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless.

But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value in God's eyes. To Him, dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to Him.

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely.

He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike.

They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.

"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!

=========================

A four-year-old Catholic boy was playing with a 4-year-old Protestant girl in a plastic wading pool in the back yard. They splashed a lot of water on each other; their clothes were soaking wet, so they decide to take off the wet clothes.

The little boy looked at the little girl and said, "Golly, I didn't know there was that much difference between Catholics and Protestants,"

It was that time during the Sunday morning service for "the children's sermon," and all the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said to her, That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

=========================

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground,

Ms.Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."