Date: Sat, 13 Nov 1999 21:55:33 -0700

A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, you manipulate people, and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence, and called both counselors to the bench. In a hushed voice he warned, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

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As recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association LawyersJournal, the following are questions which were actually asked ofwitnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responsesgiven by insightful witnesses:

1. Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, hedoesn't know about it until the next morning?

2. The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

3. Were you present when your picture was taken?

4. Were you alone or by yourself?

5. Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

6. Did he kill you?

7. How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

8. You were there until the time you left, is that true?

9. How many times have you committed suicide?

10. Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q:And what were you doing at that time?

11. Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

12. Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

13. Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

A: I went to Europe, Sir.

Q: And you took your new wife?

14. Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

15. Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

16. Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

17. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

18. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

19. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

20. Q: You were not shot in the fracas?

A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

21. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

A: I have been since arly childhood.

22. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began theautopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.